It's...
Good evening.
Hello again, and welcome to the show.
Tonight, we continue to look at some famous deaths.
Tonight we start with the wonderful death
Of genghis khan, conqueror of india.
Take it away, genghis.
9.1, 9.3, 9.7.
That's 28.1 for genghis khan.
Bad luck, genghis.
Nice to have you on the show.
And now, here are the scores.
Well, you can see the scores now.
St. stephen in the lead there with his stoning.
Then comes king richard iii at bosworth field--
A grand death, that--
Then the very lovely jean d'arc.
Then marat, in his bath--
Best of friends with charlotte in the showers afterwards.
Then a. lincoln of the u.s. of a.--
A grand little chap, that--
And number six, genghis khan
And the back marker, king edward vii.
Back to you, wolfgang.
Thank you, eddie.
And now, time for this week's request death.
For mr. and mrs. violet steppings
Of 23 wolverston road, hull
The death of mr. bruce foster of guildford.
Oh, blimey, how time flies!
Sadly, we are reaching the end of yet another program
And so it is finale time.
We are proud to be bringing to you
One of the evergreen bucket kickers
Yes, the wonderful death of the famous english admiral nelson.
Well, good evening, everyone
And welcome to the second of our italian language classes
In which we'll be helping you brush up your italian.
Now, last week we started at the beginning
And we learned the italian for a "spoon."
Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was?
si, si!
Sit down, mario-- giuseppe.
il cucchiaio.
Oh, well done, giuseppe
Or as the italians would say, molto bene, giuseppe.
grazie, signore, grazie de tutta la sua gentilezza.
Well, now, this week we're going to learn
Some useful phrases to help us
Open a conversation with an italian.
Now, first of all, try telling him where you come from.
For example, I would say, "sono inglese di gerrard's cross. "
"I am an englishman from gerrard's cross."
Shall we all try that together?
si, si!
sono inglese di gerrard's cross.
Not too bad.
Now let's try with somebody else-- mr...
Mariolini, signor.
Mr. mariolini.
And where are you from?
napoli, signor.
You're italian?
si...
si, si.
Well, in that case
You would say, "sono italiano di napoli. "
ah... capisco.
mille grazie, signore.
per fa vore, signore.
Yes?
non conosceve parliamente
signor, devo me parlo
"sono italiano di napoli" quando il habitare de milano.
che stupido!
Sorry, I don't understand.
Ah... signor, my friend is saying...
bitte, mein herr.
bitte, bitte.
was ist das wort fuer "mittelschmerz"?
Helmut, you want the german classes!
Oh... danke schoen.
Ah, das deutschen klassenzimmer.
Ach!
My friend, he say, he say, "why must I say
'i am italian from napoli'?"
When he lives in milan.
Ah... well, tell your friend if he lives in milan
He must say, "sono italiano di milano. "
eh, milano e tanto meglio di napoli!
che cosa?
si, I milanesi sono i megli nel mondo!
He say, "milan is better than napoli."
Well, he shouldn't be saying that.
We haven't done comparatives yet.
Yes, mothers, new improved whizzo butter
Containing 10% more less
Is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab.
Remember, buy whizzo butter and go to heaven!
I can't tell the difference
Between whizzo butter and this dead crab.
Yes, you know, we find
That nine out of ten british housewives
Can't tell the difference
Between whizzo butter and a dead crab.
It's true.
It's true, we can't.
You're on television, aren't you?
Yes, yes.
He does that thing with those silly women
Who can't tell the difference
Between whizzo butter and a dead crab.
Oh, yes.
You try that around here, young man
And we'll slit your face.
Yes, with a razor.
Hello, good evening, and welcome
To another edition of "it's the arts."
We kick off tonight with the cinema.
Good evening.
One of the most prolific of film producers
Of this age, or indeed any age
Is sir edward ross.
Back in this country
For the first time for five years
To open a season of his works
At the national film theater.
And we are very fortunate to have him
With us here in the studio this evening.
Good evening.
Edward-- you don't mind if I call you edward.
No, not at all.
Only it does worry some people--
I don't know why-- perhaps they're a little sensitive
So I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions.
Oh, no, that's fine.
So "edward" is all right.
Splendid, splendid.
Sorry to have brought it up.
No, no, "edward" it is.
Well, thank you very much indeed for being so helpful
Only it's more than my job's worth to, er...
Quite, yes.
Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport
To put the other person at their ease.
Quite.
Yes, silly little point
But it does seem to matter.
Still... less said the better.
Um... ted, when you first started in the...
You don't mind if I call you ted?
No, no, no.
Everyone calls me ted.
Well, it's shorter, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
And much less formal.
Ted, edward, anything.
Splendid, splendid.
Incidentally, do call me tom.
I don't want you playing around
With any of this "thomas" nonsense.
Now, where were we?
Eddie-baby, when you first...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I don't like
Being called eddie-baby.
I'm sorry?
I don't like being called eddie-baby.
Did I call you eddie-baby?
Yes, you did.
Now get on with it.
I don't think I did call you eddie-baby.
You did call me eddie-baby.
Did I call him eddie-baby?
Yes! no!
I didn't really call you eddie-baby
Did i, sweetie?
Don't call me sweetie!
Can I call you sugar plum?
No!
Pussycat? no!
Angel-drawers?
No, you may not!
Now, get on with it.
Frank.
What?
Can I call you frank?
Why frank?
It's a nice name.
Robin day's got a hedgehog called frank.
What's going on?
Frannie, little frannie, frannie knickers.
No, I'm leaving.
I'm leaving-- I'm off.
Tell us about your latest film, sir edward.
What?
Tell us about your latest film
If you'd be so kind, sir edward.
None of this "pussycat" nonsense?
Promise.
Please, sir edward.
My latest film?
Yes, sir edward.
Well, the idea, funnily enough, came from an idea I had
When I first joined the industry in 1919.
Of course, in those days, I was only a tea boy.
Oh, shut up!
Sir edward... ross.
Now, later in the program
We'll be bringing you a unique event
In the world of modern art.
Pablo picasso will be doing a special painting for us
On this program... live, on a bicycle.
This is the first time
That picasso has painted while cycling.
But right now it's time to look at a man whose meteoric rise...
Last week the royal festival hall saw
The first performance of a new symphony
By one of the world's leading modern composers
Arthur "two sheds" jackson.
Mr. jackson.
Good evening.
May I just sidetrack you For one moment, mr. jackson?
This-- what shall I call it?-- nickname of yours...
Oh, yes.
Two sheds.
How did you come by it?
Well, I don't use it myself.
It's just a few of my friends call me "two sheds."
I see.
And do you in fact have two sheds?
No, I've only one shed.
I've had one for some time.
But a few years ago I said I was thinking
Of getting another one, and since then
Some people have called me "two sheds."
In spite of the fact that you have only one.
Yes.
I see... and are you thinking
Of purchasing a second shed?
No.
To bring you in line with your epithet?
No.
I see, I see.
Well, let's return to your symphony.
Did you write this symphony
In the shed?
No.
Have you written
Any of your recent works in this shed of yours?
No, it's just a perfectly ordinary garden shed.
I see.
And you're thinking of buying this second shed
To write in?
No, no, look... this shed business
It doesn't really matter at all.
The sheds aren't important.
It's just a few friends call me "two sheds"
And that's all there is to it.
I wish you'd ask me about me music.
I'm a composer.
People always ask me about the sheds.
They've got it out of proportion.
I'm fed up with the sheds.
I wish I'd never got it in the first place.
I expect you're probably thinking of selling one.
I will sell one.
Then you'd be arthur "no sheds" jackson.
Look, forget about the sheds-- they don't matter.
Mr. jackson, I think, with respect
We ought to talk about your symphony.
What?
Apparently your symphony was written
For organ and timpani.
What's that?
What's what?
It's a shed-- get it off.
All right.
Now, then, mr. jackson...
Your symphony.
I understand that you used...
That you used to be interested in trainspotting.
What?
I understand
That about 30 years ago
You were extremely interested in trainspotting.
What's that got to do with my bloody music?
Are you having
Any trouble from him?
Yes, a little.
Well, we interviewers are more than a match
For the likes of you, two sheds.
Yes, make yourself scarce, two sheds.
This studio isn't big enough
For the three of us.
Get your own arts program, you fairy.
Arthur "two sheds" jackson.
Never mind, timmy.
Oh, michael, you're such a comfort.
Arthur "two sheds"...
Jackson.
And now for more news of the momentous artistic event
When pablo picasso is doing
A specially commissioned painting for us
Whilst riding a bicycle.
Pablo picasso, the founder of modern art
Without doubt the greatest abstract painter ever
For the first time painting in motion.
But first of all
Let's have a look at the route he'll be taking.
Well, picasso will be starting, david, at chichester here.
He'll then cycle on the a29 to fontwell.
He'll then take the a272, which will bring him on to the a3
Just north of hindhead here.
From then on, pablo has a straight run on the a3
Until he meets the south circular at battersea here.
Well, this is a truly remarkable occasion.
It's the first time
That a modern artist of such stature has taken the a272.
And it'll be very interesting to see
How he copes with the heavy traffic
Round the wisborough green-- vicky.
Well, picasso will be riding his viking super roadster
With the drop handlebars and the dual-thread wheel rims.
And with his wiley-prat 20-to-1 synchro-mesh
He should experience difficulties
On the sort of road surfaces
They just don't get abroad-- mitzie.
And now for the latest report on picasso's progress
Over to reg moss on the guildford bypass.
Well, there's no sign of picasso at the moment, david
But he should be through here at any moment.
However, I do have with me
Mr. ron geppo, british cycling sprint champion
And this year's winner
Of the derby doncaster rally.
Well, reg, I think pablo should be all right
Provided he doesn't attempt anything
On the monumental scale
Of some of his earlier paintings
Like guernica or mademoiselles d'avignon
Or even his later war and peace murals
For the temple of peace chapel at vallauris
Because with this strong head wind, I don't think
Even doug timpson of manchester harriers
Could paint anything on that kind of scale.
Well, thank you, ron.
Well, there still seems to be no sign of picasso
So I'll hand you back to the studio.
Well, we've just heard
That picasso is approaching the tolworth roundabout on the a3.
So come in, sam trench at tolworth.
Well, something certainly is happening here
At tolworth roundabout, david.
I can now see picasso.
He's cycling down very hard
Towards the roundabout.
He's about 75, 50 yards away
And I can now see his painting.
It's an abstract.
I can see some blue, some purple
Some little black oval shapes.
I think I can see...
That's not picasso.
That's kandinsky.
Good lord, you're right!
It's kandinsky, wasily kandinsky!
And who's this here with him?
It's braque, georges braque of the cubists
Painting a bird in flight over a cornfield
And going very fast down the hill
Towards kingston.
And piet mondrian just behind
Piet mondrian the neoplasticist...
Then a gap, then the main bunch.
Here they come: chagall, max ernst, miro, dufy
Ben nicholson, jackson pollock
And bernard buffet making a break
On the outside here.
Brancusi's going with him.
So is gericault, fernand leger, delaunay
De kooning... kokoschka's dropping back here
By a little bit
And so's paul klee dropping back a bit
And, right at the back of this group
Our very own kurt schwitters.
Schwitters is german.
As yet absolutely no sign of pablo picasso.
And so, from tolworth roundabout
Back to the studio.
Well, I think I can help you there, sam.
We're getting reports in from the a.a. that picasso...
Picasso has fallen off!
He's fallen off his bicycle on the b2127 just outside ewhurst
Trying to get a shortcut through to dorking
Via gomslake and peashall.
Well, picasso is reported to be unhurt
But the pig has a slight headache.
And on that note, we must say good night to you.
Picasso has failed
In his first bid for international cycling fame.
So from all of us here at the it's the arts studio
It's good night. good night.
Hold it.
Sit up.
Sit up!
Sit up.
Ooh!
Shh... there's somebody out there.
Huh?
Blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Help, help me, I'm trapped in this body.
Oh, please, help me out!
Help me, oh, please, help me out.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah.
I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!
Hmm... just checkin'.
Just checkin'.
Oh, no you don't.
Ooh!
Shh... somebody out there.
Dobson's bought it, sir.
Porker, eh?
Swine.
This man is ernest scribbler, writer of jokes.
In a few moments
He will have written the funniest joke in the world
And, as a consequence, he will die laughing.
It was obvious that this joke was lethal.
No one could read it and live.
This morning, shortly after 11:00
Comedy struck this little house in dibley road.
Sudden, violent comedy.
Police have sealed off the area
And scotland yard's crack inspector is with me now.
I shall enter the house
And attempt to remove the joke.
I shall be aided
By the sound of somber music
Played on gramophone records
And also by the chanting of laments
By the men of "q" division.
The atmosphere thus created should protect me
In the eventuality of me reading the joke.
Well, there goes a brave man.
Whether he comes out alive or not
This will surely be remembered
As one of the most courageous and gallant acts
In police history.
It was not long before the army became interested
In the military potential of the killer joke.
Under top security, the joke was hurried
To a meeting of allied commanders
At the ministry of war.
Top brass were impressed.
Tests on salisbury plain confirmed
The joke's devastating effectiveness
At a range of up to 50 yards.
Fantastic.
All through the winter of '43
We had translators working in joke-proof conditions
To try and produce a german version of the joke.
They worked on one word each for greater safety.
One of them saw two words of the joke
And spent several weeks in hospital.
But apart from that, things went pretty quickly
And we soon had the joke by january
In a form which our troops couldn't understand
But which the germans could.
So on july 8, 1944
The joke was first told to the enemy in the ardennes.
Squad, get ready joke!
Squad, tell the joke!
wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!
It was a fantastic success
Over 60,000 times as powerful as britain's great prewar joke
And one which hitler just couldn't match.
insbesondere keiner mehr der in deutschland leben wird...
wir sind des reiches junge mannschaft!
eure schule.
In action, it was deadly.
wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund...
wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund...
...nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!
German casualties were appalling.
What is the big joke?
I can only give you a name, rank
And "why did the chicken cross the road?"
That's not funny.
I want to know the joke!
All right.
How do you make a nazi cross?
I don't know.
How do you make a nazi cross?
Tread on his corns.
gott im himmel!
That's not funny!
Now, if you don't tell me the joke
I shall hit you properly.
I can stand physical pain, you know.
ach, you're no fun!
All right, otto!
Oh, no-- no, anything but that, please.
Tickle him.
All right, I'll tell you.
Quick-- otto, the typewriter!
wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!
That's not funny!
die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!
was ist, was gibt's?
wenn ist das nunstuck
geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!
Hmm?
In peenemunde in the autumn of '44
The germans were working on a joke of their own.
die ist ein kinderhunder
und zwei mackeluber
und bitte schon ist den wunderhaus sprechen sie.
"nein, "zweckt der herren.
"istauf'n borger mitzweitingen. "
We'll let you know.
But by december, their joke was ready.
And hitler gave the order
For the german v-joke to be broadcast in english.
There were zwei peanuts walking down the strasse
and one was assaulted... peanut.
In 1945, peace broke out.
It was the end of the joke.
Joke warfare was banned
At a special session of the geneva convention, and in 1950
The last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest
Here in the berkshire countryside
Never to be told again.
And here is the final score: pigs 9, british bipeds 4.
The pigs go on to meet vicki carr in the final.
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Good afternoon.
Afternoon.
Ah... lovely day, isn't it?
Ar... 'tis that.
Are you here on holiday or...?
No, no, I live here.
Oh, jolly good.
I say, those are sheep, aren't they?
Ar.
Yes, yes, of course, I thought so.
Only... why are they up in the trees?
A fair question
And one that in recent weeks Has been much on my mind.
It is my considered opinion That they're nesting.
Nesting?
Like birds?
Ar... exactly.
Birds is the key to the whole problem.
It's my belief that these sheep are laboring
Under the misapprehension that they're birds.
Observe their behavior.
Take for a start the sheep's tendency
To hop about the field on their back legs.
Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree.
Notice they do not so much fly as plummet.
Observe, for example, that ewe in that oak tree.
She is clearly trying to teach her lamb to fly.
Talk about the blind leading the blind.
But why do they think they're birds?
Another fair question.
One thing is for sure:
A sheep is not a creature of the air.
It has enormous difficulty In the comparatively simple act of perching.
As you see.
As for flight, its body is totally unadapted To the problems of aviation.
Trouble is, sheep are very dim.
And once they get an idea into their heads
There's no shifting it.
But where do they get the idea from? From harold.
He's that sheep over there under the elm.
He's that most dangerous of animals--
A clever sheep.
He's the ringleader.
He's realized the sheep's life consists
Of standing around for a few months And then being eaten.
And that's a depressing prospect
For an ambitious sheep.
He's patently hit on the idea of escape.
But why don't you just get rid of harold?
Because of the enormous commercial possibilities Should he succeed.
and what exactlyare the commercial possibilities of a vine a viation?
bonsoir.
ici nous avons
les diagrammes modernes d'un mouton anglo-francais
ce n'est pas...
maintenant...
nous avons, dans la tete, le cabine.
tres bon.
ici, ou se trouve
le petit capitaine anglais, un monsieur trubshawe.
Vive brian, wherever you are.
d'accord, d'accord.
maintenant, je vous presente mon collegue
le pouf celebre, jean-brian jatapathique.
maintenant, le mouton...
Le landing...
Les wheels, bon.
bon.
Les wheels, ici.
c'est formidable, n'est-ce pas?
est bon, ooh, ah.
de la machine...
de la a vion...
de la baa, baa, baa.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, baa.
de la derriere du mouton...
Chug, chug, chug.
ah, merci beaucoup.
suivez la piste.
tais-toi.
pardon.
pas de tout.
mais...
ou sont les bagages?
ou... les voyageurs?
les voyageurs.
Gaspard?
merci.
les voyageurs.
les bagages.
ils sont... ici!
premiere classe, deuxieme classe...
et maintenant...
Baa, baa, baa.
Maa, maa, maa.
comme ca...
demonstration fantastique.
sur trois... un, deux trois.
maa, maa, maa, maa, maa, maa...
We get a lot of french people around here.
Oh, yes.
All over, yes.
And how do you get on
With these french people?
Oh, very well.
So do i.
Me, too.
So does mrs. ames.
Yes, yes.
Yes, I like them.
I mean, they think well, don't they?
I mean, be fair... pascal.
Mm, blaise pascal.
Jean-paul sartre.
Yes, voltaire.
Ooh.
Rene descartes.
Hmm... hmm.
Hmm!
And now for something completely different--
A man with three buttocks.
Good evening.
I have with me mr. arthur frampton
Who has...
Mr. frampton, I understand that you, as it were
Have...
Well, let me put it another way.
I believe, mr. frampton
That whereas most people have two...
Two...
You... you.
I'm sorry?
Ah, yes... yes, I see.
Um... are you quite comfortable?
Yes, fine, thank you.
Um... mr. frampton...
Vis-a-vis your rump.
I beg your pardon?
Your rump.
What?
Your... posterior.
Derriere.
Sit-upon.
What's that?
Buttocks.
Oh, me bum!
Shh.
Well, mr. frampton, I understand, mr. frampton
You have a 50% bonus
In the region of what you said.
I've got three cheeks.
Yes, yes, splendid, splendid.
Well, we were wondering, mr. frampton
If you could see your way clear...
Here, what's that camera doing?
Nothing, nothing, nothing at all, mister.
We were wondering if you could see your way clear
To giving us a quick...
A quick visual...
Mr. frampton, will you take your trousers down?
What? get off!
I'm not taking me trousers off on television.
Please take them down.
No.
Just a little bit.
No.
Now...
Now, look here, mr. frampton
It's perfectly easy for somebody
Just to come along here to the bbc
Simply claiming that they have
A bit to spare in the botty department.
The point is, mr. frampton, our viewers need proof.
I've been on persian radio.
Get off!
Arthur figgis knows I've got three buttocks.
How?
We go cycling together.
'strewth!
And now for something completely different--
A man with three buttocks.
Good evening.
I have with me mr. arthur frampton who...
Mr. frampton, I understand that you, as it were
Have...
Well, let me put it another way.
I believe, mr. frampton, that whereas most people...
Didn't we do this just now?
Why, yes.
Well, why didn't you say so?
I thought it was a continental version.
And now for something completely the same--
A man with three buttocks.
Hello.
Oh, did we?
And now for something completely different--
A man with three noses.
He's not here yet!
Two noses?
Ladies and gentlemen, wasn't she just great, eh?
Wasn't she just great?
And she can run as fast as she can sing.
And I'm telling you because I know.
No, only kidding.
Seriously now, ladies and gentlemen
We have for you one of the most unique acts in the world today.
He's... well, I'll say no more
And just let you see for yourselves.
Ladies and gentlemen, my very great privilege to introduce
Arthur ewing and his musical mice!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have in this box
23 white mice--
Mice which have been painstakingly trained
Over the past few years to squeak at a selected pitch.
This is e-sharp.
And this one is g.
You get the general idea.
Now, these mice are so arranged upon this rack
That when played in the correct order
They will squeak "the bells of st. mary."
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, on the mouse organ
"the bells of st. mary."
Thank you.
Oh, my god!
Oh, stop him!
Stop him!
For god's sake, stop him!
Next.
Are you the marriage guidance counselor?
Yes-- good morning.
Morning, sir.
And good morning to you, madam.
Name?
Mr. and mrs. arthur pewtey... pewtey.
And what is the name of your ravishing wife?
Wait!
Don't tell me.
It's something to do with moonlight.
It goes with her eyes.
It's soft and gentle, warm and yielding
Deeply lyrical and yet tender and frightened
Like a tiny white rabbit.
It's deirdre.
Deirdre... what a beautiful name.
What a beautiful, beautiful name.
And what seems to be the trouble
With your marriage, mr. pewtey?
Well, it all started about five years ago.
We started going on holiday to brighton together.
Deirdre, that's my wife, has always been
A very good companion to me.
I never particularly anticipated any marital strife.
Indeed, the very idea
Of consulting a professional marital advisor
Has always been of the greatest repugnance to me.
Although, far be it from me
To impugn the nature of your trade or profession.
Do go on.
Well, as I say, we've always been good friends
Sharing the interests, the gardening and so on
The model airplanes
The sixpenny bottle for the holiday money
And, indeed, twice in the month
Setting down in the evening to do the accounts
Something which deirdre... deirdre, that's my wife
Particularly looked forward to on account of her feet.
I should probably have said at the outset
That I'm noted for having something of a sense of humor
Although I've kept myself
Pretty much to myself over the last two years
Notwithstanding, as it were.
And it's only been comparatively recently
That I've begun to realize...
Well, perhaps "realize" is not the correct word.
Imagine... imagine
That I was not the only thing in her life.
You suspected your wife?
Well, yes... yes.
At first, frankly, yes.
Her behavior did seem at the time to me
Who was, after all, there to see
To be a little odd.
Odd?
Yes, well, I mean, to a certain extent, yes.
I'm not by nature a suspicious person--
Far from it.
I have something of a reputation
As an after-dinner speaker, if you take my meaning.
Yes, I certainly do.
Anyway, in the area where I'm known
People, in fact, know me extremely well.
Right.
Will you hold this?
Thank you.
Yes-- anyway, as I said
I must learn to face up to the facts
Stop beating about the bush
Or I'd never look myself
In the bathroom mirror again.
Anyway, so...
Would you mind running along for ten minutes?
No, no.
Make it half an hour.
Yes, I'll wait outside, shall i?
Yes, well, that's perhaps the best thing, yes.
Certainly put my mind at rest on...
On one or two... points there.
Now, wait there, stranger.
A man can run and run for year after year.
Till he realizes
That what he's running from is hisself.
Gosh!
Now, a man's got to do
What a man's got to do
And there ain't no sense in running.
Now, you got to turn and you got to fight
And you got to hold your head up high.
Yes!
Now, you go back in there, my son
And be a man.
Walk tall.
Yes.
Oh, I will!
I will!
I've been pushed around long enough.
This is it.
This is your moment, arthur pewtey.
This is it, arthur pewtey.
At last...
You're a man!
All right, deirdre, come out of there!
Go away!
Right, right.
These historic pictures of queen victoria
Taken in 1880 at osborne
Show the queen with gladstone.
This unique film provides a rare glimpse
Into the private world of a woman who ruled half the earth.
The commentary, recorded on the earliest wax cylinders
Is spoken by alfred lord tennyson, the poet laureate.
Well, hello, it's the wacky queen again...
And who's the other fella?
It's willy gladstone
And when these two way-out wacky characters get together
There's fun aplenty.
And, uh-oh, there's a hose pipe.
This means trouble for somebody.
Uh-oh, charlie gardener's fallen for that old trick.
Queenie's put him in a heap of trouble.
Uh-oh, that's one in the eye for willy.
"here, you have a go."
"well, doggone it, where's that water?"
Uh-oh, there it is, all over his face.
Well, hello, what's britain's wacky queen up to now?
Well, she's certainly not sitting on the fence... she's painting it.
Surely nothing can go wrong here.
Uh-oh, here's the p.m., coming back for more.
And he certainly gets it.
Well, that's one way to get the housework done.
Oh, dad, look who's come to see us!
It's our ken.
Ah, and about bloody time, if you ask me.
Aren't you pleased to see me, father?
Yes, of course he's pleased to see you, ken.
All right, woman, all right.
I've got a tongue in me head.
I'll do the talking.
Bligh!
I like your fancy suit.
Is that what they're wearing up in yorkshire now?
It's just an ordinary suit, father.
It's all I've got, apart from the overalls.
How are you liking it
Down the mine, ken?
Oh, it's not too bad, mum.
We're using some new tungsten carbide drills
For the preliminary coal-face scouring operations.
Oh, that sounds nice, dear.
Tungsten carbide drills?
What the bloody hell is tungsten carbide drills?
It's something they use in coal mining, father.
"it's something they use in coal mining, father."
Your bloody fancy talk since you left london.
Not that again.
He's had a hard day, dear.
His new play opens
At national theatre tomorrow.
Oh, that's good.
Good?! good?!
What do you know about it?
What do you know about getting up at 5:00 in the morning
To fly to paris, back at the old vic for drinks at 12:00
Sweating the day
Through press interviews, television interviews
Then getting back here at 10:00 to wrestle with the problem
Of an homosexual nymphomaniac drug addict
Involved in the ritual murder
Of a well-known scottish footballer?
That's a full working day, lad!
And don't you forget it!
Oh, don't shout at the boy, father.
Hampstead wasn't good enough for you, was it?
You had to go poncing off to barnsley.
You and your coal-mining friends.
Coal mining is a wonderful thing, father.
But it's something you'll never understand.
Just look at you.
Oh, ken, be careful!
You know what he's like
After a few novels.
Go on, lad, go on.
Out with it-- what's wrong with me?
Your tit!
I'll tell you what's wrong with you.
Your head's addled with novels and poems.
You come home every evening
Reeling of chateau la tour.
Don't, don't!
And look what you've done to mother.
She's worn out with meeting film stars, attending premieres
And giving gala luncheons.
There's nowt wrong with gala luncheons, lad!
I've had more gala luncheons
Than you've had hot dinners.
Oh, please, please.
Oh, no!
What is it?
Oh, it's his writer's cramp.
You never told me about this.
No, we didn't like to, kenny.
I'm all right, I'm all right, woman.
Just get him out of here!
Oh, ken, you'd better go.
All right, I'm going.
After all we've done for him.
One day you'll realize
There's more to life than culture.
There's dirt and smoke and good, honest sweat!
Get out, get out, you laborer!
Hey, you know, mother?
I think there's a play there.
Get agent on the phone.
Aye, I think you're right, frank.
It could express...
It could express
A vital theme of our age.
Oh, shut up!
Shut up!
Well, that's better.
Now, for something completely different--
A man with three buttocks.
We've done that!
Oh, all right, all right!
A man with... nine legs.
He ran away!
Oh, bloody hell.
Uh...
A scotsman on a horse.
Harold!
Come back, harold!
Harold!
Come back, harold.
Oh, blast!
Good evening, and welcome once again to the epilogue.
On the program this evening we have monsignor edward gay
Visiting pastoral emissary
At the somerset theological college
And author of a number of books about belief
The most recent of which is the best-seller my god.
Good evening.
And opposite him, we have dr. tom jack
Humanist, broadcaster, lecturer
And author of the book hello, sailor.
Good evening.
Tonight, instead of discussing
The existence or nonexistence of god
They have decided to fight for it--
The existence or nonexistence to be determined
By two falls, two submissions or a knockout.
All right, boys, let's get to it.
Your master of ceremonies for this evening
Mr. arthur waring.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
And welcome to a three-round contest of the epilogue.
Introducing on my right, in the blue corner
Appearing for jehovah
The ever-popular monsignor eddie gay.
And on my left, in the red corner
Author of the book the problems of kierkegaard
And hello, sailor
And visiting professor of modern theological philosophy
At the university of east anglia
From wigan, dr. tom jack.
Now, dr. jack's got the flying mare there.
Flying mare there.
What's he doing?
And this is going to be a full body slam.
Full body slam there.
And he's going in again.
No, he's standing back.
Well, there we're...
We're leaving the epilogue for the moment.
We'll be bringing you the result of this discussion
Later on in the program.
Oh, my god!
Oh!
Isn't he an impressive figure of a man?
People all over the country...
...defacement of public property
And this sort of thing has got to be stopped.
Destruction, defacement has got to be put to an end.
This country is not standing
For vandals and hooligans running about.
Oh, yes, that's much better.
Oh, isn't he a lovely little...
Wait a minute, buckaroos.
This has gone far enough.
Look out!
Get away from me!
Get it away, get it away!
Yes, the mouse problem.
This week, the world around us
Looks at the growing social phenomenon of mice and men.
What makes a man want to be a mouse?
Well, uh, it's not a question
Of wanting to be a mouse.
It just sort of happens to you.
All of a sudden, you realize
That's what you want to be.
And when did you first notice
These, shall we say, tendencies?
Well, I was about 17
And some mates and me went to a party
And, uh, well, we had quite a lot to drink
And then some of the fellows there
Started handing cheese around.
Well, just out of curiosity, I tried a bit and...
Well, that was that.
Yes, and what else did these fellows do?
Well, uh, some of them started...
Dressing up as mice a bit.
Um...
And then when they got the costumes on, they...
Started squeaking.
Was that all?
That was all.
And what was your reaction to this?
Well, I was shocked.
Yes.
But, uh...
Gradually I came to feel
That I was more at ease with other mice.
A typical case, whom we shall refer to as mr. "a."
Although his real name is this.
What is it that attracts someone like mr. "a" to this way of life?
I have with me a consultant psychiatrist.
Well, we've just heard
A typical case history.
I myself have over 700 similar histories, all fully documented.
Would you care to choose one?
Mr... arthur aldridge of livington.
Well, that's amazing.
Thank you.
Amazing... thank you, janet.
Kargol, speaking as a psychiatrist
As opposed to a con jurer...
Oh.
What makes certain men want to be mice?
Well, we psychiatrists have found
That over eight percent of the population will always be mice.
I mean, after all, there's something of the mouse in all of us.
I mean, how many of us can honestly say
That at one time or another, he hasn't felt sexually attracted to mice?
I know I have.
I mean, most normal adolescents go through a stage
Of squeaking two or three times a day.
Most youngsters, on the other hand
Some youngsters, are attracted to it by its very illegality.
It's like murder.
Make a thing illegal, and it acquires a mystique.
Look at arson.
I mean, how many of us can honestly say
That at one time or another
He hasn't set fire to some great public building?
I know I have.
The only way, the only way to bring the crime figures down
Is to reduce the number of offenses.
Get it out in the open.
I know I have.
Hmm... the amazing kargol and janet.
What a lot of people don't realize is
That a mouse, once accepted
Can fulfill a very useful role in society.
Indeed, there are examples throughout history
Of famous men now known to have been mice.
veni, vidi, vici.
And of course, hilaire belloc.
But what is the attitude...
Of the man in the street towards...
This growing social problem?
I'm down on them.
I'd strangle them.
Well, speaking as a member of the stock exchange
I would suck their brains out with a straw
Sell the widows and orphans and go into south american zinc.
Yeah, I'd stuff sparrows down their throats
Until the beaks stuck out through the stomach walls.
Oh, well, I'm a chartered accountant
And consequently too boring to be of interest.
I feel that these poor, unfortunate people
Should be free to live the lives of their own choice.
I'd, uh, split their nostrils open with a boat hook, I think.
Oh, well, I mean, they can't help it, can they?
But, I mean, there's nothing you can do about it
So I'd kill them.
Clearly the british public's view is a hostile one.
Hostile.
But perhaps this is because so little is generally known
Of these mice men.
We have some film now
Taken at one of the notorious weekend mouse parties
Where these disgusting little perverts meet.
Mr. "a" tells us what actually goes on
At these mouse parties.
Well, uh, first of all
You get shown to your own private hole
In the skirting board.
Then you put the mouse skin on... uh...
Then you scurry into the main room
And perhaps take a run in the wheel.
The remainder of this film was taken secretly
At one of these mouse parties
By a bbc cameraman posing as a vole.
As usual, we apologize for the poor quality of the film.
Well, uh, then you steal some cheese-- brie or camembert
Or cheddar or gouda, if you're on the harder stuff.
You might go and see one of the blue cheese films.
Then there's a big clock in the middle of the room
And about 12:50, you climb up it and then...
Eventually it strikes one and you all run down.
What's that?
That's the farmer's wife.
Perhaps we need to know more of these mice men
Before we can really judge them.
Perhaps not.
Anyway, our 30 minutes are up.
Good night.
And here is the result of the epilogue:
God exists by two falls to a submission.
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
The larch.
the larch.
Mr. larch, you have heard the case for the prosecution.
Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?
Well, I'd just like to say, my lord, I've...
I've got a family-- a wife and six kids--
And I hope very much you don't have to take away my freedom
Because... well, because, my lord
Freedom is a state much prized
Within the realm of civilized society.
It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm
The outward hatchments of his soul
And soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet.
It is most precious as a blessed balm
The savior of princes, the harbinger of happiness.
Yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear.
What frees the prisoner
In his lonely cell
Chained within the bondage of rude walls
Far from the owl of thebes?
What fires and stirs the woodcock in his springe
Or wakes the drowsy apricot betide?
What goddess doth the storm-tossed mariner
Offer most tempestuous prayers to?
Freedom!
Freedom.
It's only a bloody parking offense.
I'm sorry I'm late, my lord
I couldn't find a kosher car park.
Uh, don't bother to recap, my lord.
I'll pick it up as we go along.
Call mrs. fiona lewis.
I swear to tell the truth
The whole truth and nothing but the truth.
So anyway, I said... I said to her, I said
They can't afford that on what he earns.
I mean, for a start, the feathers get up your nose.
I ask you, four and six a pound, and him with a wooden leg?
I don't know how
She puts up with it
After all the trouble she's had
With her you-know-what.
Anyway, it was
A white wedding, much to everyone's surprise.
Of course, they bought everything on the hire purchase.
I think they ought to send it back where they come from.
I mean, you've got to be cruel to be kind.
So mrs. harris said, so she said, she said, she said
The dead crab, she said, she said.
Well, her sister's gone to rhodesia
What with her womb and all
And her youngest
Her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet
And the goldfish, the goldfish, they've got whooping cough.
They keep spitting water at the bratbys.
Well, they do, don't they?
I mean, you can't, can you?
I mean, they're not even married or anything
They're not even divorced.
And he's in the k.g.b.
If you ask me.
He says he's a tree surgeon
But I don't like the sound of his liver
All that squeaking and banging every night
Till the small hours.
Well, his mother's been much better
Since she had her head off, yes, she has.
I said, don't you talk to me about...
Don't you talk to me about bladders, I said.
Mr. bartlett, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness.
Uh, my next witness will explain that, if my lordship will allow.
I call the late arthur aldridge.
The late arthur aldridge.
The late arthur aldridge?
Yes, my lord.
Mr. bartlett, do you think there's any relevance
In questioning the deceased?
Uh, I beg your pardon, my lord.
Well, I mean, your witness is dead.
Yes, my lord... well, uh, virtually, my lord.
He's not completely dead?
No, he's not completely dead, my lord, no
But he's not at all well.
What? well, if he's not dead
What's he doing in a coffin?
It's purely precaution, my lord, if I may continue.
Uh, mr. aldridge, you were...
You are a stockbroker
Of 10 savundra close, wimbledon.
What was that knock?
It means "yes," my lord--
One knock for "yes" and two knocks for "no."
If I may continue.
Uh, mr. aldridge, would it be fair to say
That you are not at all well?
In fact, mr. aldridge
Not to put too fine a point on it
Would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were
What is generally known as, in a manner of speaking... dead?
Mr. aldridge, I put it to you that you are dead.
Aha!
Where is all this leading us?
That will become apparent in one moment, my lord.
Mr. aldridge, are you considering the question
Or are you just dead?
I think I'd better take a look, my lord.
No further questions, my lord.
What do you mean, "no further questions"?
You can't just dump a dead body in my court
And say "no further questions."
I demand an explanation.
There are no easy answers in this case, my lord.
I think you haven't got the slightest idea
What this case is about.
My lord, the... the...
The strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads
Of this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue
Will shortly, my lord
Reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous.
Mr. bartlett, your client has already pleaded guilty
To the parking offense.
Parking offense, schmarking offense, my lord.
We must leave no stone unturned.
Call cardinal richelieu.
Oh, you're just trying to string this case out.
Cardinal richelieu?
A character witness, my lord.
Hello, everyone.
It's wonderful to be here, you know, I just love your country.
London is so beautiful at this time of year.
You are cardinal armand du plessis de richelieu
First minister of louis xiii?
oui.
Cardinal, would it be fair to say
That you not only built up the centralized monarchy in france
But also perpetuated the religious schism in europe?
That's what they say.
And did you persecute the huguenots?
oui.
And did you take even sterner measures
Against the great catholic nobles
Who made common cause with foreign foes
In defense of their feudal independence?
I sure did that thing.
Cardinal, are you acquainted
With the defendant, harold larch?
Since I was so high.
Speaking as a cardinal of the roman catholic church
As first minister of louis xiii
And as one of the architects
Of the modern world already
Would you say that harold larch was a man of good character?
Listen, harry is a very wonderful human being.
My lord, in view of the impeccable nature
Of this character witness, may I plead for clemency?
It's only 30 shillings.
Not so fast.
Why not?
Uh... uh...
None of your smart answers.
You think you're so clever.
Well, I'm dim.
Dim? consternation, uproar!
Yes, and I have a few questions I'd like to ask
Cardinal so-called richelieu.
bonjour, monsieur dim.
So-called cardinal
I put it to you that you died
In december 1642.
That is correct.
Aha! he fell for my little trap.
Curse you, inspector dim
You are too clever for us naughty people.
And furthermore, I suggest
That you are none other than ron higgins
Professional cardinal richelieu impersonator.
It's a fair cop.
My life, you're clever, dim, he'd certainly taken me in.
It's all in a day's work.
Well, with a brilliant mind like yours, dim
You could be something other than a policeman.
Yes.
What?
If I were not in the c.i.d., something else I'd like to be.
If I were not in the c.i.d., a window cleaner me.
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub all day long.
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song.
If I were not in the c.i.d., something else I'd like to be.
If I were not in the c.i.d., a window cleaner me.
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub all day long.
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a rub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song.
Hey!
If... I were not before the bar
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not a barrister, an engine driver me.
With a chuf-chuf-chuf and a chuf-chuf-chuf...
Chuf...
The larch.
the larch.
This man is no ordinary man.
This is mr. f.g. superman
To all appearances no different
From any other law-abiding citizen.
But mr. f.g. superman has a secret identity.
When trouble strikes, at any time, at any place
He is ready to become... bicycle repairman.
Hey!
There's a bicycle broken.
Up the road!
hmm... goodness
this sounds like a job for bicycle repairman.
but how to change without revealing my secret identity?
If only bicycle repairman were here.
Oh, yeah.
Wait!
I think I know where I can find him.
Look-- over there!
Bicycle repairman!
But how?
Look!
Is it a stockbroker?
Is it a quantity surveyor?
Is it a church warden?
No!
It's bicycle repairman!
Why, bicycle repairman
Thank goodness you've come.
Look.
Why, he's mending it with his own hands!
See how he uses a spanner
To tighten that nut.
Bicycle repairman, how can I ever repay you?
Well, you don't need to, guv.
It's all right.
It's all in a day's work
For bicycle repairman.
Our hero!
Yes, wherever bicycles are broken
Or menaced by international communism
Bicycle repairman is ready...
Ready to smash the communists, wipe them up...
And shove them off the face of the earth.
Mash the dirty red scum!
Kick them in the teeth where it hurts!
Kill!
Kill, kill!
Filthy bastard commies!
I hate them, I hate them!
Ah!
Tea's ready.
Coming, dear.
Hello, children, hello.
Here is this morning's story.
Are you ready?
Then we'll begin.
"one day, ricky the magic pixie went to visit daisy bumble
"in her tumble-down cottage.
"he found her in the bedroom.
"roughly, he grabbed her heavy shoulders
Pulling her down onto the bed and ripping off her..."
"old nick the sea captain
"was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow.
"he loved the life of the sea
"and he loved to hang out down by the pier
Where the men dressed as ladies..."
Oh... uh...
"rumpletweezer ran the dinky tinky shop
"in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum bush
"in the shade of the magic glade down in dingly dell.
Here he sold contraceptives and..."
Discipline...
Naked...
With a melon?
benedictus benedicat
pereusum christum dominum nostrum.
benedictus benedicat...
pereusum christum dominum nostrum.
Whoo-hoo!
Hello again.
Now here's a little sketch by two boys from london town.
They've been writing for three years
And they've come up with a little number.
Here it is, it's called "restaurant sketch."
It's nice here, isn't it?
Oh, very good restaurant.
Three stars, you know.
Really?
Good evening, sir.
Good evening, madam.
And may I say what a pleasure it is
To see you here again, sir.
Oh, thank you.
Hmm, well, there you are, dear.
Just have a look there.
Anything you like?
The boeuf en croute is fantastic.
If I may suggest, sir, the pheasant a la reine--
The sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations.
Mmm, that sounds good.
Anyway, just have a look.
Take your time.
Oh, by the way, I've got a bit of a dirty fork.
Could you get me another one?
I beg your pardon?
Well, it's nothing.
I've got a fork-- a little bit dirty--
Could you get me another one?
Thank you.
Oh, sir, I do apologize!
Oh, no need to apologize, doesn't worry me.
Oh, no, no, no, I do apologize!
I will fetch the headwaiter immediatement.
Oh, there's no need to do that.
Oh, no, no, I am sure the headwaiter
He will want to apologize to you himself.
I will fetch him at once.
Well, you certainly get good service here, don't you?
They really look after you, yes.
Excuse me, monsieur, madame.
It's filthy!
Gaston!-- find out who washed these up
And give them their cards immediately!
Oh, no, no...
No, better still--
Can't afford to take any chances--
Sack the entire washing-up staff!
No, look, I don't want to make any trouble.
Oh, no, please, it's no trouble.
It's quite right that you should point
These kind of things out.
Gaston-- tell the manager
What has happened immediately!
No, no, please, I don't want to cause any fuss.
Please, it's no fuss.
We simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes
With your complete en joyment of the meal.
I'm sure it won't.
It was only a dirty fork.
I know, and I'm sorry!
Bitterly sorry!
But I know that no apologies I can make
Can alter the fact that in our restaurant
You have been given a dirty, filthy...
Smelly piece of cutlery!
It wasn't smelly.
It was smelly!
And obscene and disgusting!
And I hate it, I hate it!
Nasty, grubby, dirty, mangy, scrubby little fork!
Oh... oh... oh...
That will do, gilberto... gilberto.
Good evening, sir, good evening, madam.
I am the manager.
I've only just heard.
May I sit down?
Yes, of course.
I want to apologize
Humbly, deeply and sincerely about the fork.
Oh, no, please, it was only a tiny bit dirty.
Just... couldn't see it.
Oh, you're good, kind, fine people for saying that
But I can see it.
To me it's like a mountain...
A vast bowl of pus.
It's not as bad as that.
It gets me here.
I can't give you any excuses for it, there are no excuses.
I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recently
But I haven't been too well
And things aren't going very well back there.
The poor cook's son has been put away again
And poor old mrs. dalrymple, who does the washing up
Can hardly move her poor fingers
And then there's gilberto's war wound.
But they're good people and they're kind people.
Together we were beginning to get over this dark patch.
There was light at the end of the tunnel
When this...
When this... happened!
Could I get you some water?
It's the end of the road!
You bastards!
You vicious, heartless bastards!
Look what you've done to him!
He's worked his fingers to the bone
To make this place what it is
And you come in with your petty, feeble quibbling
And you grind him into the dirt!
This fine, honorable man
Whose boots you are not worthy to kiss!
Oh, it makes me mad.
Mad!
Mad.
Easy, mungo, easy.
Mad.
Mungo!
Oh, the war wound!
The wound, the wound!
It's the end!
They've destroyed him!
The end!
He's dead!
They killed him!
Revenge!
No, mungo!
Mungo!
Never kill a customer.
Oh, the wound, the wound!
The wound again!
Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife.
Oh, no, come on, no!
No, no, no, no!
Well, there we are, then, that was the restaurant sketch.
Nice little number, bit vicious in parts, but a lot of fun.
But how about that punch line, eh?
Oh, you know what I mean?
Oh, really.
Tired of that drab, boring life you lead?
Then purchase a past.
Yes, thousands of people have led
Far more interesting lives than you will ever lead.
They undoubtedly continue to lead interesting lives
Whereas you just as assuredly will not.
Bits of their lives are being made available for purchase.
For only 15 shillings
Dullards like yourself can obtain
Beautifully framed photographs of other people's lives.
Hang them in your den.
Stand them on your desk or next to your bed.
Pretend they are pictures from your past.
Hello, I'm uncle frank and family.
Mind if we stay a couple of nights?
Or a month?
Or three years?
Hello, we're uncle george and agnes.
Where's the bathroom?
Shut up!
Oh, shut up!
Oh, sorry.
Not good enough.
Good evening.
Here is the 6:00 news read by michael queen.
It's been a quiet day over most of the country
As people went back to work
After the warmest july weekend for nearly a year.
The only high spot of the weekend was the meeting
Between officials of the n.e.d.c. and the o.d.c.n.
In bradford today.
Mr. ted johnson of the n.e.d.c...
In geneva, officials of the central clearing banks
Met with herr voleschtadt of poland
To discuss non-returnable loans on a 12-year trust basis
For the construction of a new zinc-treating works
In the omsk area of krakow, near the bulestan border.
The board of trade has ratified a trade agreement
With the soviet union
For the sale of 600 low-gear electric sewing machines.
The president of the board of trade said he hoped
This would mark a new era of expansion in world trade
And a new spirit of cooperation between east and west.
There has been a substantial drop in gold reserves
During the last 12 months.
This follows a statement by the treasury
To the effect that the balance of imports situation
Had not changed dramatically over the same period.
Still no news of the national savings book
Lost by mr. charles griffiths of porthcawl
During a field expedition
To the nature reserves of swansea last july.
Mr. griffiths' wife said
That her husband was refusing to talk to the press
Until the savings certificate had been found.
In cornwall, the death has been announced today
Of the former minister without portfolio
General sir hugh marksby-smith.
Sir hugh was vice-president of the rotarian movement.
In the match between glamorgan and yorkshire
The yorkshire bowler nicholson took eight wickets
For three runs.
Glamorgan were all out for 36
And therefore won the match by an innings and seven runs.
Weather for tomorrow will be cloudy
With occasional outbreaks of rain.
That is the end of the...
The larch.
The horse chestnut.
Eric, do you think
You could recognize a larch tree?
I don't know.
What's your name?
Michael.
Michael, do you think you know
What a larch tree looks like?
I want to go home.
Bottom.
Are there any other trees
That any of you think you could recognize
From quite a long way away?
I want... sketch of eric's, please.
What?
I want to see a sketch of eric's--
"nudge, nudge."
A what? sketch?
Eric's written a...
I've written a sketch.
"nudge, nudge," eric's written.
"nudge, nudge."
Is your wife a... a goer, eh?
Know what I mean, know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge, nudge, nudge.
Know what I mean?
Say no more, know what I mean?
I beg your pardon?
Your wife... does she, uh...
Does she go, eh, eh, eh?
Know what I mean, know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge, say no more?
Well, she sometimes goes, yes.
I'll bet she does, I'll bet she does
I'll bet she does.
Know what I mean, know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge?
I'm sorry--
I don't quite follow you.
Follow me, follow me!
I like that, that's good.
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh?
Are you trying to sell something?
Selling, selling, very good, very good.
Oh, wicked, wicked, you're wicked, eh?
Know what I mean, know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge?
Know what I mean, nudge, nudge?
Nudge, nudge?
Say no more!
Ah! ooh!
Your wife, is she, uh...
Is she a sport, eh?
Well, yes, she likes sport, yes.
I'll bet she does, I'll bet she does.
She's very fond of cricket
As a matter of fact.
Who isn't, eh?
Know what I mean?
Likes games, likes games?
Knew she would, knew she would, knew she would.
She's been around, eh? been around.
She's traveled.
She's from purley.
Oh, oh, say no more, say no more!
Say no more, purley!
Say no more, purley, eh?
Know what I mean, know what I mean?
Say no more.
Your wife interested in...
Photographs, eh?
Know what I mean?
"photographs?" he asked him knowingly.
Photography?
Yes, nudge, nudge, snap, snap
Grin, grin, wink, wink
Say no more.
Holiday snaps?
Could be, could be taken on a holiday
Could be, yes.
Swimming costumes, you know what I mean?
Candid photography, you know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge.
No, no, we don't have a camera.
Ah.
Still... whoa! hey?
Whoa! hey?
Look, are you insinuating something?
Oh, oh...
Yes.
Well?
Well, I mean you are
A man of the world, aren't you?
I mean, you've been there, haven't you?
I mean, you've been around, eh?
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, like you've done it.
I mean, you know, you've slept with a lady.
Yes.
What's it like?
The larch.